why do we believe lies: Lies We Tell Ourselves

Each of us is an expert at deceiving ourselves. We deceive ourselves into accepting untrue information while rejecting truthful information.

When I started researching self-deception in graduate school, I was forced to face this reality for the first time. It shook my world. All of a sudden, I saw it in everyone and everywhere.

The Various Aspects of Self-Deception
We tell ourselves lies about the following: Small details: “I didn’t eat that much today.” (while ignoring the extra snacks)
Aspirational goals: “Tonight, I will only have one glass of wine.” (Spoiler alert: three is always the number)
Social ideals: “I never have inappropriate thoughts about anyone but my spouse.” (Because it feels wrong to admit otherwise)
Key decisions in life: “I married for love.” (When other factors like security, loneliness, or fear were more important)

My romantic relationships showed my self-deception clearly. I was afraid of being abandoned. That fear led me to:
Eagerly wait for phone calls, drive by to “check” if my partner was where they said they would be, and ask, “Do you love me?” over and over.

I couldn’t admit this at the time because I was afraid to face who I truly was.

Why Do We Tell Ourselves Lies?
We lie to ourselves mainly because we are not able to face the truth and deal with what it means. The strange part is that change only happens when we admit who we really are. The key to a happy life is to see through our self-deception.

Where Does Self-Deception Start?

Infancy: The Origin of Our Deceit
We are prone to self-deception from a young age. As kids, we look around and make judgments about what is right or wrong.

For example:
If a parent neglected you, you might think, “I’m not enough.”
If you were made fun of for your looks, you might try to be perfect to avoid criticism.
You might believe, “Food numbs the pain,” if others made fun of your appearance. This can lead to emotional eating.
If your parents argued often, you might think, “Conflict is dangerous.”
To keep peace now, you repress your negative feelings.

The lies we tell ourselves as adults come from what we learned as children.

The Psychology of Self-Deception

  1. Freud’s Ego-Defense Mechanisms
    We tell lies to keep our identity intact.
  • Denial: “Even though you drink every day, I don’t have a drinking problem.”
  • Justification for bad behavior: “I wouldn’t yell if you didn’t provoke me.”
  • Projection: “You’re the one who’s insecure!” (When it’s actually you.)

2. Irrational Thinking and Cognitive Distortions

  • Polarized thinking: “I might as well eat the entire box because if I eat one cookie, I’ve failed.”
  • Emotional reasoning: “I must be stupid because I feel stupid.”
  • Overgeneralization: “I’ll always be alone because I was rejected once.”

2. Avoidance of Existence
We tell lies to avoid harsh realities:

  • Death: “I’m young — I don’t need a will.”
  • Aloneness: “I won’t feel lonely if I’m in a relationship.”
  • Meaninglessness: “My job defines my worth.”
  • Freedom: “I’m this way because of my past.” (Disregarding accountability.)

3. Conditioning in Culture
We follow social norms without asking if they’re right for us.

  • “I need to get married, have children, lose weight, or make more money.”
  • “My family is religious, so I should be too.”

Why Is It Important?

The Cost of Self-Deception

  • Self-sabotage: Financial irresponsibility, addiction, toxic relationships.
  • Stagnation: Staying unhappy because change feels too hard.
  • Regret: Looking back and realizing, “I wasted years lying to myself.”

My Story: I blamed my partners for my romantic insecurity.

  • “I’d feel safer if they reassured me more.”
    The truth? My fear came from my early years.
  • I thought everyone would leave me.
  • No one could make me feel safe.
    I kept reliving the pain until I faced that lie.

How to Quit Lying to Yourself

  1. Stop and Take Note
    Ask: “What does this say about me?” or “Why does this trigger me?” when you feel strong emotions.
  2. Accept Accountability
    Acknowledge your fears.
    Ask: “Do I work on this or keep suffering?”
  3. Try Therapy
    Many see therapy as a weakness, but it’s the only relationship that’s just for you. “Only weak people need help.”
    The truth? Being open takes real bravery.

My Uncomfortable Truth

I was a successful, tenured professor. But I realized I no longer wanted that life. Facing my fears was key.

  • “What if I disappoint others?”
  • “Who am I if not a professor?”
  • “What if I fail?”
    I resigned because continuing would have cost my true self.

The Challenge

Be a more truthful liar. Find your small lies. Question your “should.” Despite the pain, choose honesty. Because your life is the one you live honestly.